Heavy as Sunlight
by h4lfpr1nce
Summary: Remus is perfectly content until Sirius interrupts and ruins everything... or does he?


Remus can feel the edges of the book digging into the soft flesh sitting across his cheekbones, probably leaving red stripes across them. He knows he's fallen asleep reading and that he should probably move, make the lines disappear from his face before Sirius catches sight of them and teases him for it, but the weight of warmth and sunlight holds him to the bed more effectively than lead could. He… he swears he isn't anything like a dog, but it feels so nice to just lie down and soak in the sun's rays. He knows what the room looks like without opening his eyes even a millimeter; he's seen the scene thousands of times before. He _knows_.

He knows the golden-yellow, far more a Gryffindor color than a Hufflepuff one no matter what the latter said, is streaming through the window so bright that it's almost as if it's solid. He knows that the dust motes are dancing through the rays on miniscule gusts of wind. The heavy red curtains around the four beds look more faded but also friendlier. The floor is in an unusual state of cleanliness, product of the house elves' having visited while everyone ate lunch, and he feels that it isn't quite right without the stray socks and textbooks on the floor, despite what they all say about him being a neat freak. Some disorder is okay, as long as it's _his_ disorder. He feels the corners of his lips twist up with contentment. He wouldn't move for the world… He wouldn't move if he was offered a million galleons…

He hears the footsteps of someone running, no, _galloping_ is the right word, up the stairs, and he smiles right along with the inward growl he always releases when he's disturbed from being so comfortable. He _knows_ those footsteps too. It isn't like they belong to someone he can stay mad at.

About three quarters of a second later, Sirius throws the door open and strides into the room, all smiles that seem to catch the sunlight and reflect it back brighter than it was before. Remus is peeking through hid eyelashes because even if he's already forgiven him, and even if he wasn't really asleep, Sirius still deserves some kind of punishment for stampeding into the room like that. He hopes Sirius will feel somewhat ashamed and try to shuffle back out again, but instead the boy gathers up and… is it really possible to feel someone else's muscles all tense together like that?... pounces on top of Remus.

"You fell asleep with your book over your face _again_?" Sirius asks in a mock-scandalized tone. Remus almost wants to laugh and almost wants to respond, but for some reason when he opens his mouth something keeps air from being pulled into his lungs and instead lets it catch against the top of his throat- but in a rather not-frightening way. He looks up past the binding of the book, eyes fully open, and sees Sirius there, _of course _illuminated by the sun in the most flattering way possible without even trying. Remus has heard all the girls talk, but he wonders if they've ever noticed the way that his normally black hair has some honeyed and even red strands mixed into it. And his skin… Remus has wondered it before, but how had Sirius gotten that wonderful rich shade when all his family, especially his cousin Narcissa, were all so pale? All the purebloods, really. They would look like ghosts in this light but Sirius… Sirius looks ethereal in an entirely different kind of way.

All those thoughts pass in a few seconds and Remus finds himself with his air returned and with it his voice. "Did you really expect anything else?" He teases lightly. He slowly pushes himself up, letting the book fall. Merlin knows how much he "read" while half-asleep and will have to read again; he may as well loose his place. There's just a moment before Sirius reacts to the motion that brings Remus in close with hot breath on his neck and an indelicate whine in his throat. He stifles it with reprimands to himself that he is _not not not _a dog. It's cause is already gone, anyway. Sirius has shifted back till he is sitting on his heels straddling Rumus's calves. "Not really, no," Sirius is saying, "But one can always hope! By the way, Moony…"

Remus tries not to grit his teeth. He hates it, that name. It always reminds him of what he… is. It reminds him of full moon nights and the feeling of ripping and tearing out of his skin even though he knows he really doesn't. Or if he does, it always gets replaced when he changes back. But that's not the point. He hates it, but he likes Sirius, James, even Peter more. He likes Sirius a _lot _more. He sometimes tells himself that they should be paying him for all the adventures and fun they've had at his side, but he's not nearly as good at lying to himself as he is to other people and he knows that he would offer the world to any one of them for just being his friend. He knows he doesn't really deserve them. He forces the almost-grimace into a smile that he hopes looks like the one he wore earlier. That one was nice, he could feel it.

"I know that tone of voice. What do you want now?" he inquires, brushing sandy-brown hair from his eyes and leaning closer to Sirius despite himself.

"Prongs and Wormtail and I came up with this amazing prankand…"

"You want me to look over your plans and be sure it will actually work on Sn- Snivellus," It is so much work to call the boy that, even if he is a git sometimes, "or whoever you're planning on using it on."

"No!" Sirius says, and the puppy that sometimes hides behind his devilish appearance becomes evident. He's _bouncing_ for Merlin's sake, "I want it to be a surprise!"

"You… why?"

"Because it's _for you_!"

Remus is getting a very bad feeling, but also a very good one. He can't explain it. How did the boy relaxing in the sun without a care turn into this anxious anticipatory mess? It's stranger than the wolf transformation, actually, because it only started happening recently… and only around Sirius.

"I… Okay, you can show me this whatever-it-is, but it better be good."

"I think you'll find it very good. Very profitable too," Sirius replies and he hops of the bed, heading straight out the door. Remus slips the smile off and lets the conflict of emotions show. He doesn't expect Sirius to turn around; surely he has things to do, girls to flirt with. He growls a little in the back of his throat at the thought.

"Remus, are you okay? What's wrong?" Sirius is standing in the doorway looking back at him with concern in those eyes that shouldn't be there. They should always be creased in laughter. Remus slips the smile back on.

"Nothing!"

"Bollocks. I know that look," Sirius says, and Remus looks down and feels a light blush spreading across his cheeks. He feels the weight of an arm draped over his shoulders somehow exactly like the sunlight earlier in its ability to hold him completely still and make him never want to move.

"What look?" He mumbles.

"You know we love you, right? And that if anything it's the three of us that don't deserve you? You need to stop thinking- "

"I know! And I don't really, anymore…" He wasn't actually lying. He thought he deserved them, as long as he worked enough to prove he did.

"Listen! We are _lucky_ to have you as a friend! _I _am lucky to have you as a friend! Don't ever forget that."

"I… I'll try. Thank you. I l-" Remus starts, but catches himself. Sirius doesn't notice.

"Well maybe our surprise tomorrow will prove that."

"Oh, it's tomorrow?"

"I didn't mean to say that!"

And with that Sirius is gone, really this time, and with the smile back on his face. Remus decides not to think about tomorrow and what could or could not go wrong (nearly everything) about a prank his friends thought up without him.

* * *

><p>The next day dawns early, of course, but not bright with a sun obscured by clouds and a temperature far colder than the one yesterday afternoon. Remus snuggles into his blankets for precious, warm seconds before deciding that he really should get up, because he's the only one who sets and alarm and the other three depend on him to wake them, ungrateful as they are for it each morning. Sirius always takes the longest; groaning and grumbling and having to be tickled. He rises out if his blankets to find... nothing. Absolutely nothing. They're all gone. He remembers their prank and shudders, wondering how elaborate it must be to warrant getting up <em>early<em> to prepare. He goes to shower instead of thinking about it.

He makes his way down to breakfast with already acute senses on edge. He can't explain it, he just feels… off. But that doesn't have to mean anything. It's happened before.

He arrives in the great hall and sees the three for his friends shifting around in their seats as if their trousers are on fire. Honestly, they're so obvious. He sits warily next to Sirius, who keeps flashing one of those _smiles _at him. He remembers yesterday's conversation and feels his cheeks color. He waits, barely eating, and when Sirius grabs his arm he knows it's time for something.

"I can't stand it anymore," Sirius whispers in his ear, "I have to tell you. Sorry. So you know how you like Marianne Pritchard?"

"No I most certainly do know how I like Marianne Pritchard!"

"C'mon, mate, it's obvious! Who else would you like but her? You're always spending time with her, and-"

"She's my partner for the Charms assignment! I don't like her! Honestly!"

"Well, shite, you're in for some trouble then! We-"

But Remus sees, now, that James has been casting spells under the table and an absurdly large, absurdly pink bouquet of flowers is appearing out of thin air over the Ravenclaw table where Marianne sits. And there is a letter in the middle of it Without thinking Remus vanishes it nonverbally, hoping that it's the only thing bearing his name, and runs out of the hall as the flowers land in front of a very shocked girl. He knows Sirius is staring, open-mouthed, after him. He's thankful that he's the fastest, that none of them try to follow him.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, trying not to think about how he looks crying on the cracked, stony floor of the bathroom, Remus is somewhat calmer. Somewhat. He just doesn't understand why it <em>hurts <em>so much. He had vanished the letter. The most he'd have suffered, anyway, was embarrassment in explaining to Marianne and probably a few jokes around Hogwarts. Everything is fine.

But it isn't. Remus really isn't good at lying to himself, he knows. So he lets the truth wash over him.

_It's because _he_ thought I liked someone else that I'm upset. It's not anything about the prank, and it's related to all these weird feelings I've been having._

But even as he thinks about _that_ he is thinking about his friends

_I put up with a lot of shite from them, don't I? Maybe… maybe Sirius is right. Maybe they are lucky to have me, just as I'm lucky to have them. Maybe I don't have to just... accept everything. Maybe I should demand things, too._

And somehow those two ideas combine into a plan and Remus stands up, brushes his robes off, and strides out of the bathroom no longer crying. In fact, as he feels his face, he thinks he might be… smirking.

* * *

><p>He walks into the still-full hall without thinking, because he knows that if he does he absolutely will not go through with it.<p>

Sirius still has a confused, lost puppy look in his eyes until he catches sight of Remus. Then it turns sharply questioning. Remus ignores it as he returns to his seat.

"Remus, why-?" Sirius begins to ask, but Remus cuts him off.

"You wanted to know who else I would like?" He asks, says more than asks, really, and then buries his fingers in Sirius's curls and drags Sirius's head gently closer, pressing their lips together.

He doesn't want to open his eyes, but a familiar weight pressing on his face in conjunction with the entirely unfamiliar one tells him that the sun has come out, just as warm and vibrant as the one that weighed him down yesterdat.


End file.
